I have been kinda in a depressed mood lately, can't seem to get myself out of this rut I am in. I feel like I don't belong anywhere, if that makes sense. Starting with famil, I have always felt like the odd one out, and just recently my sister has decided to leave her husband ( whom i care about a lot) and be with another man. Ok fine and dandy, but she has now moved further away. Not like out of the state, but she literally lived 3 mins down the road..now she lives about an hour away. Through all of this, she never told me what was going on. I asked her so many times " are you seeing someone else? Just tell me, be honest" and she LIED to me. Along with my niece, who seemed to "cover" for her a lot. The family is now broken up, and I am so sad for that. I got to tell Dan , my BIL..goodbye, and it was very emotional. He works on the road, and I have no clue when I will ever see him again. He has hopes that my sister will go back to him..but I know my sister well, I love her to death...but being steady with a man is just not her thing I guess. 2 marriages, 2 kids to each man, countless boyfriends...it is like she is searching for something. But who am I to physco analyze? hah, I am not the one. TO each their own, and I just want her to be happy more than anything. BUT she had grown so distant from me since being with this new guy. I rarely see her, Ava doesn't even know that she her Aunt. I can count on my hands how many days they have spent together. This might be fine for some families, but my sister and I ( DESPITE our huge difference on life views) were always close, I was really close to her kids and we were both so excited to have two littles ones close in age...her son is just 7 months older than Aves..they were supposed to go to school together, pre school..ect ect...of course the Autism wrench got thrown in there and Ava will be attending a different pre school all together, but we still had those plans of them going to school together, growing up together, doing all kinds of things together. Now I feel like that is all gone. And for what? Someone she barely really knows? Ahh well. Such is life i suppose. It may sound immature, but I feel like this guy has taken her away from her family...and now lives close to HIS family......
I have someone also that I love that I think has a major issue with how they view their body, they are very skinny, just becoming an adult about 5'4 I would say 115 pounds. Is always talking down about their body, throwing crying fits about how fat they are. Honestly, how do you think that makes the people around you feel? Your friends, that are obviously bigger than you by at least 10 pounds, or someone that is bigger by a lot more than that? I know I would personally LOVE to have a body like this persons, and a lot of other people would too. It is getting overboard. so much drama surrounding it, I often wonder if this person is using the "Im so fat" deal to cover up other feelings, like something else is bothering them and it manifests into panic attacks about weight. it just isn't healthy, and frankly tiring. It gets old hearing it, and if you aren't overweight and no health problems there are so many more important things to worry about. What if you couldn't speak and had a mental disability? Or you were dying from cancer, or just lost a child to cancer...that person would LOVE to be alive and weigh 200000 pounds. I think this person needs help, mental help, talk to someone..it sounds like an eating disorder of some sort where you see your body bigger than what it is. I am so worried for this person.
I am trying so hard to get insurance, it is so darn expensive. I have had many many quotes, all in the 200 dollar range, I just can't afford that. I am tired. Worn down. I think something is really wrong. No menstrual cycle for a year now, i feel bloated, some weight gain that I cannnot lose for anything, and i just want to eat sugar all day long. I need to see a doctor and soon. Darn this country for its healthcare issues, please let the next president bring some health care relief to people like me.
I cut all my hair off, to chin length. I again, was Tired of it, So tired of it. I love it, it is so freeing.
Ava is doing well. So well. I have been down because I feel like I have been cheated out of enjoying her first two years of life, always worrying, studying, researching, learning and teaching 24/7........now she is almost three. WHere did her baby years go? How sad. She is becoming more and more verbal. I love it, Her voice is so cute. No one else can understand her, But I do. I love her more than life itself.
This is another area I feel out of place. I don't really have anyone to talk to about Ava's delays, some of the people I used to chat with have children more severely affected. I feel guilty praising my Ava for her new found verbalization..I NEVER want to hurt anyone like that, ever! I know how it feels, so I've been keeping my distance. Again, just another instance where I feel like I do not belong anymore.
Next weekend I have my first paid photo shoot. I cannot wait, its for a 1 year old girl. my first stranger shoot too. So excited to get this business off its feet. It is my passion. MY passion. No one can take that away either.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Ava has developed a fear of bugs. I am near breaking point. She refuses to go outside, and is biting herself every time she sees a bug or THINKS she sees a bug. All black dots, or fuzz balls are bugs to her. It is terrible. This doesn't seem to be some normal fear people have. All day long she is worrying about bugs, hiding in the corner,yelling for "hel" ( help ). As soon as she is in a nervous situation she bites her fingers or her wrist/arm. As I speak she is on the couch clinging to my mom. I hate seeing her so stressed out. We went outside to play in the sand box we just got her and she just kept looking all around and could not enjoy herself. I just don't know....